Tired of having the blown out cable blues? Watching the same movies over and over again and threatening to play Elvis if you have to hear that car commercial even one more time?

The solution's simple, at least for most people: DirecTV & USSB.

If you own your home or have a landlord who'll allow the installation of one small 18" dish, you'll be in movie heaven and will be supporting a lesbian-friendly business all at the same time.

Not withstanding the promotional channels that spout the wondrous nature of digital satellite systems, you may have your choices of packages totaling up to 285 channels of sports, music (in digital CD quality), and movies, movies, movies.

Six channels of HBO, five of Cinemax, 5 Showtime, Flix, FX, Turner Classic, American Movie Classics, Encore, Starz . . . if you can think of it, they have it through the combination of DTV and USSB. USSB's premium movie packages are divided pretty well, but why decide?

For only $32.99 you can turn everything on and zone-out to movie after movie. DTV has packages ranging from $19.99 for the terminally cheap all the way up to $49.99 for the super-everything package including enough sports to put even the avid couch-potato into a football-induced coma.

Though it's best in a discussion such as this to avoid personal experiences and to stick to the facts, I did encounter an inconsequential DTV billing problem. I talked with a Customer Service Representative, Jana, who, I found out, is in Oklahoma City.

Addressing questions about user equipment needed, I found that overall the RCA DSS system performs best and has the best service records, although the user-friendly features aren't as good as the Uniden built units or the Sony system.

Another feature every customer should receive when buying a DSS is an extended service plan. In National consumer electronics outlets Radio Shack had the hands-down best extended service plan at a cost of $99.99 for three years and $149.99 for 5 years.

Pick your system, pick your viewing package and sail on, oh Captain, My Captain.