Review of a Book I Didn't Write

My position is that it is the business of a couple to decide whether they want to have an open or closed relationship. The point I make in the book is that if the men choose monogamy, and one or both are having secret liaisons with others, then there is a problem. That is what I said.

The issue I argue is that honesty is requisite for two gay men to have a fulfilling relationship, and that honesty and trust are the cornerstones of intimacy. Honesty and trust, not monogamy.

Mr. Brass goes on to indicate that I believe that men in a relationship must go to extremes in what they disclose to one another. He questions "...at what point are two men relieved of having to expose 100%of themselves to each other?"

That is exactly the opposite of what I wrote. In my book I stated and I quote "Honesty never means you cannot retain private aspects of your life...Honesty never implies unqualified access to one's brain."

What book did he review?

Mr. Brass implies that I feel we must settle for nothing less than the perfect relationship when I wrote (he quotes me) "First class in love is the only class you should ever embrace."

I never stated nor implied that a relationship should or could be problem free. What I address throughout the book is that we sometimes remain with people we are not really suited for, that we may settle for unhappiness because it's scary and risky to make changes.

I support and encourage the reader to go after what he really wants in his life because death is a hell of a long time! That is what I said.

Mr. Brass takes a personal swipe at me when he writes "He admits, in the last chapter, that he has had a hard time with relationships, and I could understand this."

Although I found that statement about me as amusing as it was absurd, once again, I never said that! What I did say is that I have gone through painful breakups just like the reader may be going through. My point was that I know from personal, as well as professional experience what breaking up is all about. That, once again, is what I said.

I believe the minimal standard of a fair review is to review what was actually written.

Sincerely,
Neil Kaminsky, LCSW
Author, When It's Time to Leave
Your Lover-A Guide for Gay Men

I am sorry to have tell Mr. Kaminsky this, but all the quotes that I gave in my review of his book came directly from the advance copy of the book that Harrington Park sent out. None were made up. He did say, at least in that copy, everything that I put down. Believe me, I couldn't — and would not — make that kind of stuff up! In the copy I have of Mr. Kaminsky's book, he does say, on page 57:

Related Stories from the GayToday Archive: About Having a Boyfriend Must Romance and Love End in Marriage? Just What Do You Like to Do in Bed? Related Sites: Prerry Brass GayToday does not endorse related sites.

"Being with a lover should never be a 'settle' for experience. The man you are with should be the man of your dreams. No, I didn't say a perfect man. That does not exist. Profound fulfillment with a lover, however does. There is much in life we must settle for because it is the cards we are dealt. Such is never the case with a partner. We have control over who we bond with, and what we have to accept from him. 'First class' in love is the only class we should ever embrace."

I hate to take any more "personal swipes" at Mr. Kaminsky, but even Debby Reynolds (and Liz Taylor) found out that getting to know a man as a real person takes him out of any class; all of our "dream men" have to become real, "perfect" or not.

And, sorry, but if I did not "read" the book that he wrote, I would not have been able to come up with the commendations that I did about the book, as clumsily (okay, I'm afraid I gotta use the truth word here: as totally poorly) written as it was.

I did say that the book had value, that its insights about the importance and power of forgiveness were important, and that clinically he had some good points to make.

Perhaps in this case, Neil Kaminsky should forgive himself a bit and realize that he is not the writer that he thinks he is . . . "first class" or not.

Perhaps you were/are actually bisexual. In that way one can go from being gay to being straight, because you are both.

While being gay isn't perfect, heterosexuality is not exactly a panacea. Consider the fact that more than half of all (heterosexual) marriages end in divorce.

In an over-populated and polluted world, let us remember this: homosexuality is a perfect form of birth control. Only heterosexual sex can produce unneeded and excess quantities of babies.

There is nothing wrong with loving God. But since God made me, I see no reason to let mere people change what I think is unchangeable, nor necessary to change.

P. Griggs