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(Baptist) Shopping Tips Sister Taffy's Daily Blessing Dear Friends Of Baby Jesus,
If you haven't started your shopping yet, it is not to late to begin. You may think that the store shelves are emptied of the good stuff but that is not the case. Just like the Baby Jesus took that fish and that loaf of bread and fed the masses, and I took a peppercorn red snapper and a single dinner roll and fed an entire Wednesday night church supper crowd, the shelves are always full for the Godly. Neiman Marcus has an endless supply of baubles, pre-made gift baskets, and ready to go items for anyone on your list. It may be too late for that His/Her Gulfstream Jet package but there is always a nice Waterford gift set. Just ask and ye shall receive. You never know what your sales girl can find for you in the stock room if you will only demand for her to get back there and search. Tip Number One: Beating the Crowd
Tip Number Two: Sales Prices Through Salvation I always, and I do mean ALWAYS, keep a supply of Bible tracts in my purse for passing out at Neiman's. Lord only knows that seeing as the place is owned by Godless Jews, that the sales staff is typically Hell-bound as well. Those people may be able to squeeze a dime until it screams "Uncle" but they can't pinch through those pearly gates. Each time I see someone in management (always one of those people - trust me on this) I will walk right up to them and demand to know why it is that they hate Jesus. I will then pull out one of my Bible tracts and start reading it aloud. Usually, this will draw a crowd allowing me to save more than just that one person! While I am saving souls, I will have my help (sometimes even a girlfriend from church who is with me) switch the prices on the items that I intend to purchase. I can't tell you how much money I have donated to charitable causes such as Pro-Life, the NRA, and The Christian Coalition with the money I have saved. Tip Number Three: Rebuking for Rolex When I am finished at Neiman's for the day I always, and I do mean always, make Cartier my next stop. I have never, ever set foot in my local store, or any of the others throughout the country for that matter, that I don't purchase at least one watch for someone on my list. I like to think as a watch as giving someone the gift of time. Each time that they glance upon their wrist at the lovely gift that I have given them, they will see how little time that we have left on this old world. My trademark inscription, "Time To Rebuke" that goes on every watch is a reminder that every second is the opportunity to call out the sins of others. Tip Number Four: Victoria's Nasty Little Secret Now you ask, "Sister Taffy! What are you doing in that lingerie shop for sex starved sluts?" Well, I am going to tell you. It goes without saying that I would never, ever buy anything from Satan's underwear shoppe, but I never go to the mall without going inside one of them but always with a partner. One of us will walk right up to the sales register, pull out our bullhorn and start praying as loud as we can for the "WHORES OF BABYLON WHO WEAR CROTCHLESS OVERPRICED PANTIES." While one of us is spreading the Gospel and damning the wicked women who wear such things, the other one will be quickly gluing Bible tracts inside the garments with contact cement. There will always be worldly women who will buy such filthy items and we may not be able to save them all. But, many will soon find that their teeny tiny brassier or thong panty that they purchased will include the word of God. Tip Number Five: Choose Your Gift Wisely as Three Men Did So Long Ago Do you think that the Three Wise Men all realized at the last minute that, "Oh! We need to pick up some little something for the Baby Jesus?" Absolutely not! They planned ahead and chose carefully just as you should. Imagine their embarrassment had they shown up with flowers or homemade foods because they waited and all the stores were closed. No, we are to prepare well in advance for all of our gift giving with the recipients delight in mind. I usually start my shopping sometimes as early as June. This way, no one is forgotten and everyone gets exactly what they deserve. I am going to now share with you a few names from my gift list and what I have gotten them. Now, you may never be able to afford some of these items. But you will find that many are not so much as expensive, but more priceless if you will. My Husband Daniel: A new sail boat for the beach house and a picture of the two of us from Christmas past in a small frame that travels well. The boat I gave him in 1998, "Fisherman Of Men", will be replaced with "The Taffy". The rain forest wood frame, and ivory railing will surely please him but the picture will likely be his favorite.
However, always wont to do some little something, I had Cartier make up some beautiful little baby rattles with our names and date inscribed to leave at Baby Jesus' birth site. For fun, I am also giving them each a small gag gift for the trip - a purse sized bible with the cover replaced to look like a Koran. I know the girls will get a kick out of this! My Pastor and His wife: Years ago I started a tradition of giving the Pastor a new Mercedes to drive each year. Not that he can't afford his own mind you, but if the Pastor Charles Stanley in Atlanta, Georgia gets one from one of his church members, then so shall the Pastor and Mrs. Pastor Deacon Fred. I could go on and on but seeing as I have already provided you with my Sinless Shoping Guide:www.sistertaffy.com/Xmasshopping.htm on my Godly web site, you can simply go there for more inspiration. As all great things, our time for today must come to an end. There is a sea of sinners swimming out there and I must go and harpoon them. Talk to you soon, dears! YIC,
Sister Taffy Daily Blessing with Sister Taffy ©2000 Sister Taffy: www.sistertaffy.com/ |
Sister Taffy 
A Sister Taffy recommendation 
Mrs. Betty Bowers 
© 1997-2000 BEI