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Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife by Harold Kooden, Ph.D. with Charles Flowers; Avon Books; 348 pages; $14.00.
Based on a much-revised paper that Kooden first wrote years ago, Golden Men greatly benefitted from the collaboration of Charles Flowers, author and editor. As part of a culture that worships physical beauty and youth, many gay men have problems dealing with growing old. Unlike lesbians, who "recognize and value a woman in her entirety", gay men "are deeply invested in their bodies", which is the first thing that goes when we get older. Furthermore, because of AIDS, "no openly gay generation has survived to midlife and maturity. The death of a generation of public and openly gay elders has denied role models to younger gay men." Happily, with protease inhibitors and other medications, many gay men who were once doomed to an early grave can now look forward to the pleasures and pressures of growing old. At the outset, Kooden lists "five basic principles that govern the phenomenon of gay aging". They are well-worth repeating: "1. By virtue of our coming out, gay men already possess the power to age well. 2. Midlife is our true adulthood. 3. The mind and the body are one. 4. Ageism causes death. 5. We can not only survive, but thrive." Coming out, writes Kooden, "does give a gay man a source of integrity, power and strength, regardless of whether he comes out when he's in his twenties, forties, or sixties. The lessons of our coming out--which we may still be learning at midlife--are our best preparation for a transition into middle age and beyond." Kooden argues that the experiences of "coming out and AIDS represent two opportunities for thriving that the majority of gay men have faced, are facing, and will continue to face, and our aging represents a third arena in which we can thrive."
At the same time, again because of AIDS, many chronologically-young, gay men have had to deal with the death of friends and, perhaps, their own impaired health, things their nongay contemporaries do not have to deal with (outside of war). "Using the four ages to describe our experience of aging will ultimately lessen our dependence upon a rigid, lineal framework of aging and give us more freedom to explore ourselves." After this Introduction, Golden Men is divided into three parts. "Body" deals with such issues as body image, sexuality, HIV/AIDS and role models. "Mind" deals with work/ play (two seemingly opposed activities that Kooden combines in "a new paradigm of purpose and pleasure"), relationships and self-esteem. "Soul" deals with "a personal value system", self-control, mortality and spirituality. Each chapter includes personal experiences and "exercises" that "will focus and direct you through the shifts in perception and attitude that will bring about your successful aging." "Aging well is work, a process that takes doing and that takes time. While recognizing a gay man is vulnerable to early social forces as well as the influence of family and peers, I make a core assumption that a gay men is the central agent in developing his identity, and he continues his self-creation over the course of his lifetime." As a gay man who is now entering his own midlife, I learned a lot from Harold Kooden and his Golden Men, though I do not agree with all of his concepts and conclusions. "Successful aging," Kooden notes, "is about choices: realizing you can actively shape your life through decisions you make." Growing old should be proactive; not reactive. "If you understand nothing more about successful aging than 'I can make my life and it can continue to be a dynamic journey,' then you've gotten it, and the rest, as they say, is commentary." |
Harold Kooden is a clinical psychologist who combines a distinguished career
in his field with more than 30 years of gay activism. Both as a mental health
professional, and as a gay man who's lived through his own midlife, Dr. Kooden
is especially qualified to write this authoritative book on gay men and aging.
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