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I'd sit at the picnic table for hours on end, writing in my journal, waiting for single men to walk into the bathroom. I followed them in dozens of times, stood next to them at the row of urinals, and hoped that some nookie would materialize. It never did. I'd heard about the rest stop as a possible place for sex in whispers from gay friends. None of whom could elaborate about whether the rest stop offered more than the "possibility" of sex. I was then and remain a practical boy. The main reason I've never been much for tearooms or rest stops is that in my opinion, the time spent actually having sex doesn't often justify the time invested in waiting for sex. But when I was 16, such considerations were purely theoretical. I would take anything I could find. Lexington is a college town of 8,000, an hour from the closest gay bars in Roanoke and Charlottesville. At that point, I was not aware of the state's gay newspaper, which I would later edit. I was not aware of the state's 15 or so bars, all of which I would later visit.
I sought solace in that sauna more than sex. I found very little solace and even less sex. I did, however, meet a man who became my lover. My fascination with cruising continued, and during the second semester of my freshman year, I made a video documentary about the various cruising areas in Charlottesville. I interviewed men at rest areas, parking lots, nature areas, and other places men found other men. I also heard horror stories about how they'd been arrested, sometimes a number of times. This scared the hell out of me, enough that my own reluctance to meet men in such contexts became a sort of self-imposed prohibition. I did, from time to time, meet men in parks or at the gym, but it was always with a certain degree of fear. At 20, while living in New York City, I discovered what would become my favorite cruising area: adult bookstores. I immediately loved bookstores because behind closed doors, I was able to engage in verbal and physical exchanges that simply weren't likely in tearooms. In the booths of adult bookstores, I was truly alone with another person. The hallways bustle with men, clamoring for touch. As a writer, I was instantly fascinated by the often wordless language of cruisers.
For instance, a man looks at another man while crushing his cigarette
underfoot. It means he's ready to play. A man establishes eye contact with
another man and then throws a sidelong glance toward an empty booth.
A man touches his crotch. This is the universal language of cruising, and for the most part, it transcends geography and culture. I never received any education on this matter. I picked up bits and pieces of information on etiquette from reading books and hearing friends dish about cruising. Often, these men spoke with judgment about cruising because they were too ashamed to admit that they engaged in such behavior. So it's fair to say that everything I learned about cruising, I learned by observing and doing. If you spend any amount of time in a cruising area, you learn the language as if you were gradually picking up steps in a dance class. Unfortunately, cruisers are not the only people privy to this language. Vice cops the world over are trained to recognize the hand gestures, toe taps and focused stares with which men connect. These transactions of intimacy, for cops, are bait. Vice cops go through specialized training in "homosexual courtship rituals" and are trained to use our own language against us. I would love to witness the class exercises on the days they teach cops about working "fag detail." Cruisers must be informed. If you decide that you value sex in a public or semi-public space and want to pursue such sex, do yourself a couple of favors. First, check out www.cruisingforsex.com and watch for reports of police activity. If you're not online yet, hook up with a friend who is. One of the most important things a cruiser can do for himself is to develop a support system of friends who either cruise together or are aware of each other's cruising. Cruising is by nature a very solitary activity, and having friends who know your story can help keep you from feeling isolated. One piece of advice that any good uncle should give to young cruisers: If you see someone you know, say hello. Pretending that you don't see each other is not only rude and un-Southern, it reinforces the tremendous shame that sex is supposed to help release. So you see a friend or co-worker. You're both gloryhole sluts. Get over it!
The site www.cruisingforsex.com has been a cultural flashpoint during the
few years it's been online. Men who felt alone suddenly realized that they
were among millions of other men with a fetish for anonymous sex. However,
police departments around the globe have used the site to locate targets for
their sting operations.
Know and assess your legal risks. If you're a middle school guidance counselor and you know that getting busted would get you fired on the spot, think carefully about whether you're willing to take the risk. Too many men are in denial about this and don't reflect on their risk factors until the handcuffs are out. Some of these men, sadly, are so overwhelmed by shame that they commit suicide. Ask around. The severity of stings varies from town to town. Ask other men how police charge cruisers. Do these arrests result in men having their names listed on sex offender registries? Does your state have a sodomy law? If so, are men being charged with misdemeanors or felonies? The difference between the two could mean thousands of dollars in fines and legal fees. The bottom line: be aware that cruising is an outlaw activity with the potential for delightfully erotic experiences and unspeakably horrible legal troubles. If you are arrested, keep your mouth shut and tell the officer you want to see a lawyer. You will be pressured to confess your sins straightaway, but hold your ground and consult with a lawyer. Nothing you say will help you in court, and the officer will undoubtedly lie anyway. So it's better, as my mother would say, to be still. Also consult www.lambdalegal.org. Their "Little Black Book" is an excellent resource on your rights as a cruiser and the law. You can also obtain this book by writing to Lambda Legal Defense Fund, 120 Wall Street, Suite 1500, New York, NY 10005-3904. Fortunately, I've never been arrested for cruising. I've had hundreds of experiences in sexual spaces. Some have been revolting. Some have been run of the mill. Some have been life transforming. There is a wide spectrum of experiences out there. For those who decide to indulge, stay conscious and support each other. Kirk Read's writing has been published in over 30 LGBT newspapers around the world. He lives and San Francisco. His writing can be seen at: www.temenos.net/kirkread |
Kirk Read 
© 1997-99 BEI