Creep of the Week: American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family, and Property

July is quickly evaporating. Before you know it itâ??ll be September and youâ??ll be wishing you did more than just watch “30 Rock” reruns in front of your A/C unit for three months. But hey, youâ??re young, youâ??re reasonably attractive, youâ??ve got transportation and youâ??ve got time to kill. Itâ??s time for a road trip!

But where to go? Well, gosh, what do you and your friends like to do? Daytona Beach is a popular destination … Wait, whatâ??s that? You and your Catholic friends from The American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family, and Property want to spend your summer vacation telling everyone how gay people shouldnâ??t be allowed to get married because of how icky they are?

Why not head to New York, Rhode Island and Maine, then? I mean, Maine is gearing up for a major marriage equality battle, Rhode Island is dangerously close to homo-loving Massachusetts geographically, and New York has Broadway and Fire Island. Sounds like the perfect Marriage Rally Road Trip itinerary.

Hey, â??Marriage Rally Road Tripâ? has a nice ring to it, donâ??t you think? Oh, you already have a name? Youâ??re going with “Traditional Marriage Crusade?” For real? Donâ??t you think â??crusadeâ? is a bit much?

If you call your trip a crusade itâ??s going to be colored by that time during the Dark Ages when Christians, supported by land-hungry secular leaders, set out to supposedly take the Holy Land from the Muslims in the name of God but also engaged in a whole lot of killing, raping and pillaging along the way.

Whatâ??s that you say? Thatâ??s exactly what youâ??re going for? Thatâ??s, um, pretty sick.

And this handout youâ??re planning to distribute, the one called â??10 Reasons Why Homosexual â??Marriageâ?? is Harmful and Must be Opposedâ?? A lot of crap in there.

Just take reason number one, for example: â??Marriage has always been a covenant between a man and a woman which is by its nature ordered toward the procreation and education of children and the unity and wellbeing of the spouses.â?

Really? Itâ??s always been that way? Have you actually read the Bible? Also, surely it canâ??t be lost on you that a husband used to own his wife as if she were, well, property. If youâ??re truly espousing Tradition, Family and Property is that, like, cool with you then?

Then thereâ??s your claim that, â??It is in the childâ??s best interests that he be raised under the influence of his natural father and mother.â? I think youâ??re getting a little too hung up on the private parts a childâ??s parents have rather than the love and care they show for their child.

For example, what if your dad kills a hooker and makes you help him hide the body (which recently happened to a fifth grade boy in Orange County, Fla.)? Or how about the little girl in Hamtramck, Mich. who told police, â??Mom cooks me like a turkey in the ovenâ??

Now thatâ??s something worth crusading over. Gay people wanting to live their lives together and raise their children in peace? Not so much.

But hey, if your bus breaks down youâ??ll have plenty of those â??10 Reasonsâ? flyers to fold into fans. They arenâ??t doing anything but waving around hot air anyway.

By Dâ??Anne Witkowski